DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
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I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
cry laughing at this shit
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
“our sushi is very fresh”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.