This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
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HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
set yourself free xox
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
The devil.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.