Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
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Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting