I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
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My wedding will be open casket.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
couldn’t resist
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.