I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
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“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Awwwww shit.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.