Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
You Might Also Like
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Bobby pin
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
can’t believe I got front row seats
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet