Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
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Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder