Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
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Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”