I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke