Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
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Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
“our sushi is very fresh”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .