[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
You Might Also Like
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
what the hell pray for carter everyone
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..