*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
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Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Love it! 👍😂
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
You’ll be OK
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats