90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
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My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
😅😅😅
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I’m going to need a moment here.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I have two kinds of followers