Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
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We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun