My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
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They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.