Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
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[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.