As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
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“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Solving a traffic jam
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Just as the prophecy foretold
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”