Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I’m tired tomorrow.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate