Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
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#JohnTravolta
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Friends that check up on you >
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.