Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
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Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Covid like
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.