If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
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I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Just a friendly reminder!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
The Assassin.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.