The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
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MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them