We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
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Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.