God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
You Might Also Like
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.