torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
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My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto