Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
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Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.