toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
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KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I’m sure it’s fine.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.