Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
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Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’