Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
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Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.