ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
opening twitter today
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much