I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
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Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Wait a minute
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today