Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
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me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
The future is now.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.