had to make it
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Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I told my vodka about you.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Taliband
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.