“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
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Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
When ur friends with white people
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.