wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
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I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I love the honesty
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.