I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
You Might Also Like
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there