Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
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*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?