Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
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A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I am HOWLING at this
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.