This is why I hate group projects
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The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends