Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
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autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
buys donuts instead
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
what are they serving at kfc then???
Van Gone
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.