Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.