*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.