From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
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Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Air conditioning – not a fan
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I’M CRYINGGG
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.