Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
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First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Breakfast for Stoners:
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.