That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
You Might Also Like
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce