Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
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I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
That’s it.I’m out.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
repaired
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.