German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
You Might Also Like
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.