Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
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A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.