[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
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deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
A fake ID that makes you younger
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.