[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
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Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.